I'm not happy with God right now
While I love the Lord, Our God, I don't like Him right now.
As I have been struggling with this process of joining the ministry, going to a seminary and leaving my job and family behind, the one thing that I have struggled with is leaving my family. I'm an only child. My parents didn't have me until close to their 10th anniversary, and had almost resigned themselves to not having any children. While I don't think that I'm spoiled, I have friends who would politely, or not so politely, disagree. I will cop to being very loved and greatly supported. My parents support anything that I do. Anyone who has ever met them always asks about them. I love them very much, and do what I can to help them around their house. That is why going 4 or 9 hours away to a seminary is a concern. Because I can't drive out to shovel the snow, or cut the grass, or hang a picture or any of the other things you do for your parents when their in their 70's.
This fall and winter, my dad was battling health issues. He was losing his balance and stumbling and falling. A lot. He made a couple of visits to the emergency room, one after he took a header off of the steps of my front porch. It turns out his diabetes has eroded his kidney function to a degree where he has to go for dialysis three times a week. While it is a burden, it has been very good for him. He's back to the guy he has been. He may take a few more naps, but I think it is so that he can turn pro.
Now that he's in as good of health as you can expect for a 77 year old, the other shoe drops. After Mom had her yearly mammogram, she was called in to have an ultrasound done. Last Wednesday, she went in for a "lump-ectomy." The doctor removed two lumps (rather than the one that we were told about.) and said that they were "suspcious." Mom called the doctor's office today, and wasn't given the results, but the nurse said they were "concerned" and scheduled my mom to see the doctor when the doctor returns next week. While it could be nothing, concerned and suspicious are words that I find preparatory for another word that I don't want to think about.
I'm not ready to curse God, or turn away from this path I've started. I'm not ready to repeat Christ's cry from the cross of "Why have you forsaken me?" I love God. My parents love God. I know that He loves them and He loves me. I just don't like Him right now. I know that when I heard the summons to "take up thy cross and follow me," that the journey wasn't going to be a stroll through the meadow. I know bad things happen to good people, good things happen to bad people, and our rewards and punishments are not handed out in this life, but I don't have to like it. I may be showing that I am spoiled, but I just felt like spending today with my arms crossed, my bottom lip out and a surly disposition. After I talked to my mom, I decided not to do any of the Scripture readings I had planned to do today. (I showed Him!)
Then late this evening, I realized I had our church's Prayer Journal. Members can submit prayer requests, and ask for the pastor and a member of the Prayer Team, to pray for their requests each day. I had signed up for a week-long turn a while ago, and received the binder after service on Sunday. I prayed through (if that's the right term) the journal when I got home after the Easter service, but hadn't touched it today(Monday). I wasn't talking to God.
But if my parents taught me one lesson, it was to follow through on what you said you would do. (Actually, the one lesson would be to always wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident, but that doesn't apply here.) So I would talk to God on behalf of these people, because I said I would. I prayed for healing, and comfort, and strength, and wisdom, and forgiveness, and mercy, and help, and reconcilliation. I prayed for people I know, people I don't know and people with anonymous supplications. And I prayed for my parents. I asked God to keep them happy and healthy, to keep them safe and well. I asked God to bless the doctors, nurses, technicians and staff who can help them stay healthy. I asked God to forgive me for my stubbornness, and to create in me a clean heart, an open and forgiving heart.
While I sit here typing, I have a plaque that my mother gave me last week sitting next to the computer. It is of a cross with a dove flying across it. Printed on the cross is Psalm 33:5 "The earth is full of the goodness of the Lord." And I know that to be true. I love God, but I'm still not happy with Him right now.
As I have been struggling with this process of joining the ministry, going to a seminary and leaving my job and family behind, the one thing that I have struggled with is leaving my family. I'm an only child. My parents didn't have me until close to their 10th anniversary, and had almost resigned themselves to not having any children. While I don't think that I'm spoiled, I have friends who would politely, or not so politely, disagree. I will cop to being very loved and greatly supported. My parents support anything that I do. Anyone who has ever met them always asks about them. I love them very much, and do what I can to help them around their house. That is why going 4 or 9 hours away to a seminary is a concern. Because I can't drive out to shovel the snow, or cut the grass, or hang a picture or any of the other things you do for your parents when their in their 70's.
This fall and winter, my dad was battling health issues. He was losing his balance and stumbling and falling. A lot. He made a couple of visits to the emergency room, one after he took a header off of the steps of my front porch. It turns out his diabetes has eroded his kidney function to a degree where he has to go for dialysis three times a week. While it is a burden, it has been very good for him. He's back to the guy he has been. He may take a few more naps, but I think it is so that he can turn pro.
Now that he's in as good of health as you can expect for a 77 year old, the other shoe drops. After Mom had her yearly mammogram, she was called in to have an ultrasound done. Last Wednesday, she went in for a "lump-ectomy." The doctor removed two lumps (rather than the one that we were told about.) and said that they were "suspcious." Mom called the doctor's office today, and wasn't given the results, but the nurse said they were "concerned" and scheduled my mom to see the doctor when the doctor returns next week. While it could be nothing, concerned and suspicious are words that I find preparatory for another word that I don't want to think about.
I'm not ready to curse God, or turn away from this path I've started. I'm not ready to repeat Christ's cry from the cross of "Why have you forsaken me?" I love God. My parents love God. I know that He loves them and He loves me. I just don't like Him right now. I know that when I heard the summons to "take up thy cross and follow me," that the journey wasn't going to be a stroll through the meadow. I know bad things happen to good people, good things happen to bad people, and our rewards and punishments are not handed out in this life, but I don't have to like it. I may be showing that I am spoiled, but I just felt like spending today with my arms crossed, my bottom lip out and a surly disposition. After I talked to my mom, I decided not to do any of the Scripture readings I had planned to do today. (I showed Him!)
Then late this evening, I realized I had our church's Prayer Journal. Members can submit prayer requests, and ask for the pastor and a member of the Prayer Team, to pray for their requests each day. I had signed up for a week-long turn a while ago, and received the binder after service on Sunday. I prayed through (if that's the right term) the journal when I got home after the Easter service, but hadn't touched it today(Monday). I wasn't talking to God.
But if my parents taught me one lesson, it was to follow through on what you said you would do. (Actually, the one lesson would be to always wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident, but that doesn't apply here.) So I would talk to God on behalf of these people, because I said I would. I prayed for healing, and comfort, and strength, and wisdom, and forgiveness, and mercy, and help, and reconcilliation. I prayed for people I know, people I don't know and people with anonymous supplications. And I prayed for my parents. I asked God to keep them happy and healthy, to keep them safe and well. I asked God to bless the doctors, nurses, technicians and staff who can help them stay healthy. I asked God to forgive me for my stubbornness, and to create in me a clean heart, an open and forgiving heart.
While I sit here typing, I have a plaque that my mother gave me last week sitting next to the computer. It is of a cross with a dove flying across it. Printed on the cross is Psalm 33:5 "The earth is full of the goodness of the Lord." And I know that to be true. I love God, but I'm still not happy with Him right now.
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