I've been CPE'd
Just got back to the 'burg after the graduation ceremony from my CPE site. (Pomp & Circumstance is sooooo moving.) My evaluation was fair, the things I did well and the things I could have done better I agreed upon with my supervisor. I told him that while the experience was valuable, enriching, educational and reaffirming, I can not say it was fun or that I enjoyed it.
While I am glad I did it at the Sweet Big Deal State School of Medicine/Trauma Center and did it during the summer, I am not glad I did it now. Every day felt like it tore open new stitches on emotional wounds that had not yet healed. In my 73 days of CPE, I had contact with over 800 patients, family members and staff. I responded to 42 traumas, 9 heart alert codes, 1 brain attack and 3 death ministries. And I can tell you details about each one. I can still hear the flatline tone from the monitor of the patient who's room I had just walked into. I can still feel the wife's hand turn cold, clammy and flat while I held it when the doctor told her that her husband had died. I can still see the bloody stretcher that carried a young man into the trauma bay after he had been thrown from the car where he was celebrating his upcoming 21st birthday. The stretcher still had his blood, hair, scalp and parts of his skull and brains. I will recall driving back to Gettysburg with a lump in my throat, fighting back tears because I had yet another reminder of my loss, and another glimpse into someone else's pain.
Someday I will realize that this was a good experience. But that day is a long, long ways away.
Beyond the emotional cost, I think this cost me some friends. As my long-time reader(s) recall, I had some "differences of opinion" with friends and family about coming back to the 'burg this summer. (see Ain't It Funny How Time Slips Away, Monday Morning Quarterbacks, Update from America's High Five, The Nice Thing ..., Garbage and City Lights, There was no use talking, there was nothing to say, Our Story So Far ...,
While I am glad I did it at the Sweet Big Deal State School of Medicine/Trauma Center and did it during the summer, I am not glad I did it now. Every day felt like it tore open new stitches on emotional wounds that had not yet healed. In my 73 days of CPE, I had contact with over 800 patients, family members and staff. I responded to 42 traumas, 9 heart alert codes, 1 brain attack and 3 death ministries. And I can tell you details about each one. I can still hear the flatline tone from the monitor of the patient who's room I had just walked into. I can still feel the wife's hand turn cold, clammy and flat while I held it when the doctor told her that her husband had died. I can still see the bloody stretcher that carried a young man into the trauma bay after he had been thrown from the car where he was celebrating his upcoming 21st birthday. The stretcher still had his blood, hair, scalp and parts of his skull and brains. I will recall driving back to Gettysburg with a lump in my throat, fighting back tears because I had yet another reminder of my loss, and another glimpse into someone else's pain.
Someday I will realize that this was a good experience. But that day is a long, long ways away.
Beyond the emotional cost, I think this cost me some friends. As my long-time reader(s) recall, I had some "differences of opinion" with friends and family about coming back to the 'burg this summer. (see Ain't It Funny How Time Slips Away, Monday Morning Quarterbacks, Update from America's High Five, The Nice Thing ..., Garbage and City Lights, There was no use talking, there was nothing to say, Our Story So Far ...,
It's The Mid-Season Break) Well, after coming back from Mom's surprise birthday party (June 26) (sorry I didn't tell you guys about that, but loose lips, you know.) I've kept track of family & friends calls & contacts for me & Mom. Me (not counting mom) 1 call, 1 card, 1 piece of mail, 0 emails. Mom, a bit better, but the non-contactees speak volumes.
Your friends are the people you can count on, so I guess I didn't lose any.
I'm gonna stop before I write something I may feel bad about later. It's amazing to realize how much my life has changed in one year. I looked back at what I was blogging about a year ago (back when I was blogging regularly), and what my worries and concerns and support systems (bad Coach, that's a CPE term - WHACK) were then, and what they are now. I truly thank GOD for my Pennsylvania family, and look forward to seeing many of them back here at THE LTS around Labor Day. It's been posted here before, but it's worth it.
Seasons of Love - from the motion picture RENT
Your friends are the people you can count on, so I guess I didn't lose any.
I'm gonna stop before I write something I may feel bad about later. It's amazing to realize how much my life has changed in one year. I looked back at what I was blogging about a year ago (back when I was blogging regularly), and what my worries and concerns and support systems (bad Coach, that's a CPE term - WHACK) were then, and what they are now. I truly thank GOD for my Pennsylvania family, and look forward to seeing many of them back here at THE LTS around Labor Day. It's been posted here before, but it's worth it.
Seasons of Love - from the motion picture RENT
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